Friday, May 1, 2015

Adoption? As a Single??

Adoption? As a single? Why not? I knew I needed to be a mom. I knew I was getting older. I knew I would always regret it if I didn’t go for it. So I did.  

About 6 years ago I began researching adoption. There were so many choices. So many different options. Foster adopt? International? Domestic agency? Domestic Independent? Which road do I choose? Initially I chose foster adoption. It has worked for thousands of families. Thousands of single men and women. Thousands of non-traditional families. And it is virtually free. And there are tens of thousands of children in need. I signed up for the initial meeting. I signed up for MAPP classes. I completed my home study and was certified. And then I waited. And I waited and I waited some more. Two years later I finally go “the call”. He was 15 months old. Had been in care for 9 months. I would be his pre-adoptive placement. What could go wrong? EVERYTHING!! He went back home a year later. My heart was broken. 

While I was waiting for foster care and was being told by the director of the placement office that she would NEVER give me a baby I began researching international adoption programs. India? Jamaica? Lesotho? I tried all three. My dossier even got to Lesotho. I pulled it and switched to domestic independent adoption.  Why? Well, international adoption can be uncertain (hey all adoption paths are uncertain) and in this case two families faced being told by the American Consulate that the child(ren) they had just legally adopted didn't have the “right” documentation to prove they were orphans and were eligible to immigrate to America and their two week innocently trip turned into a month and a 6 week trip.  I couldn’t risk it.  So I changed directions yet again.

I chose to do an independent or private domestic adoption.  So I redid my homestudy, more background checks and more finger printing and in July 2011 I was certified by Suffolk County Family Court to adopt a baby.  (Keeping in mind that in May 2011 I accepted pre-adoptive placement of a foster child.)  I created a website, a toll-free number, hired an attorney, started placing newspaper ads and told everyone who would listen.  My phone rang and rang (which is unusual).  I spoke with 52 different people.  Some were well not of wholesome intent, some were curious, some were scammers, and some were frightened women trying to make the best decision for their unborn child.  I matched with T in April 2012- she was as it turned out a “professional birth mom”, she had placed 12 babies for adoption.  I thought this was pretty perfect- she knew what she was doing and how she would feel.  She was carrying a baby boy who was bi-racial.  I was excited to say the least.  

The weeks went on and we spoke often.  Then I realized what was really going on.  She was constantly asking for money.   She had apparently reached out to other families and agencies and was shopping for the highest bidder.  So after a few weeks I decided to walk away.  In May of 2012 my foster son went home to a terrible situation and I was a mess.  Soon after I got a call in the middle of the night from a Mexican woman-E- claiming to be pregnant with her 3rd child and needed to make an adoption plan.  So we did.  My attorney had her doctor fax medical records and all looked great.  Baby was due just two weeks later to be born via C-section.  My mom and I drove to Nebraska.  I was in the OR for her birth and was the first to hold her.  But something didn’t feel right.  And 26 hours later E decided to parent.  I was devastated.  The drive home was the worst drive I have ever taken.  But I didn’t give up!  I couldn’t give up!  I knew I had to be a mom. 

Four long years, four continents, three failed adoptions, 52 phone calls and then “the call” for real.  He was born October 13, 2012. He is amazing. From the wrinkles behind his knees to his smile in the morning. He is the child I was meant to parent.  He was created to be my son and I was created to be his mom.  He is amazing.  I am very lucky. Adoption is not easy not easy at all for anyone.  But in the end (when ever that may be) there will be an amazing child waiting. 

Don’t give up!

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