Monday, July 13, 2015

I Can't Do This... Part II

After the doctor told me in the ER that I was pregnant, my dad drove me home and we waited for Rick to arrive.  I knew it would be weird to tell my husband this news with my parents staring at him - it was not the way I thought this would happen years ago.  Candle light, surprise at dinner or rose petals on the bed.... Wait was movie am I in?? 

Rick finally made it home and we sat him down to tell him the days events.  I even told him step by step of how the doctor closed the curtain, etc. and then said told me I was pregnant.  Rick didn't flinch.  He waited and waited and I said nothing.  I realized that all these years of joking when I was sick, that I was probably pregnant, knowing full well I wasn't, was in his head. I stared at him and said again, "I'm pregnant."  He choked quietly. He was in shock and I could see the wheels starting to go.  I knew exactly what he was thinking, it wasn't so hard to tell.  MONEY!  How could we do this?  How can we afford this?  How did this happen??

These were all valid questions running through his head.  After my parents left, we finally had a chance to sit and really let it sink in what was happening.  I was still not feeling great and had to take medication to help me stop spinning but we talked a little about it knowing it was most likely moot conversation.  I was going to miscarry anyway.  It happened so may times before so why get upset or excited or happy or sad when we don't even know what the future would bring. 

I was 42 years old and exactly 28 days pregnant...

Over the next few weeks I learned the process of pregnancy from another side.  It was a scary side.  From the start I learned this wasn't going to be like I dreamed. Not in the least.  Did you know they don't see a pregnant woman for checkups everyday?  You only get in once a month or something like that.  You don't get sonograms all the time either!!  Well I made them change those rules fast! 

I felt like I was in a nightmare. I wasn't happy about this at all. I woke up every day expecting to walk in to the bathroom to pee and find blood on my underwear.  Kinda like the IVF process was for me, where I would wait for the 14th day after my  transfer to find out it didn't work and now I was devastated and at work! UGH!  I prayed everyday that God would end this quickly and peacefully for me. I was so scared.  I just kept thinking how my last miscarriage could have killed me! 

The guilt of not being happy and NOT wanting to do this was getting to me.  I was happy and content with my life and I spent so many years putting things on hold for IVF or for adoption.  I was not taking this well and I knew there was NO one in the world that would understand my pain and confusion.  My son had special needs and we needed to be able to provide for him the best we could and I thought this would change that.  I heard over and over that "there is always a way". It didn't help though.

On the day of the 5th month checkup we had to find out results to some of the genetics tests we took.  Without getting too detailed, this was a major day of decisions and one sonogram would determine our path! But in true fashion, we found out the sonogram of the baby was PERFECT but my body was faltering.  I now discovered that I could miscarry if I stood up!  YIKES! Now I had to lay down for the next 5 months in order to save the baby.  NO PRESSURE!!

I tried very hard to NOT connect with the baby.  I kept as busy as one could laying in front of the TV.  I tried reading but that is so hard to do from a horizontal position.  I slept a lot and watched TV.  I had a lot of help from family but I was more shocked to find that my support group came to my rescue as well.  Each day during the week I would have a friend come over and help feed me and my son.  I never wanted to hurt anyone and I was scared they would hate me for what I was now doing and they weren't able to ... but they didn't care...they wanted to help their friend!

By the 7th month, I realized, finally, that this was happening and I was going to have to tell my son more than I thought one day.  I thought over and over how I hope that he knows how special he is and how much we adore him and adoption is just a word and he is more to us than an adopted child - he is OUR CHILD!  He is my son!  He made me a mommy! Can you tell I was not handling this well! 

When you really read my story, you will start to see that I wasn't confused or scared, I could care less if we could afford another child; I was actually just in shock!  Years of trying to get pregnant with no results then a long grueling adoption journey, and now one day I wake up and a genetic counselor tells me that 3-6% of the population are effected by celiac disease causing infertility.  I wasn't conceiving due to pizza, pasta and bread! This was NOT a typical situation. 

Well I made it! Me and my little peanut made it!  After trying to hold the baby in for 10 months, I had to be induced.
Years before this one of my closest friends gave me the opportunity to share in her sons birth knowing I would not be able to experience the beauty of delivery.  Of course we both never dreamed this could happen.  So i decided to pay it forward like my friend did and have my BFF and partner the opportunity as well!

I won't share the gory details but let's just say Josette made sure she up in there to learn everything she could while my husband lay next to my eyes being my cheerleader.  All the work over 10 years was coming to this moment.  The shots, the bruising, the pain and loss, the weight gain, the vomiting, the doctor visits, blood work, everything led to this... The moment was now!!

Written By Chemene
Adoptive Mom
Group Co-Leader

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