Friday, July 17, 2015

My Journey Continues...

For about a week I've been stressing over what I would write about when it came to be my turn again. So far I've been writing about things that happened to me or something I saw on the news or something like that but this has been a pretty quiet month. Also, I finally found a doctor that took me seriously when I told him that I had no real control over my emotions and needed help with depression. So, if nothing of note happened, nothing interesting was in the news and I've been able to skirt the dark side of depression, what would I write about?
Hmmmm . . . .
Then it came to me, thanks to Chemene! In her post "I Can't Do This...Part 1" she said something that I remember vividly and wanted to talk about a little more. One of the early thoughts in her mind when she found she was pregnant was about us, her adoption group, and how we would feel. As in how upset we would be, not how happy we would be for her. I think, most people, I mean regular people, would be confused by that. I mean isn't everyone thrilled when someone is having a baby? Aren't we all just bursting with joy over their good fortune? Who is throwing the baby shower? Where will it be? What will I get for the mom-to-be? What will she name the new “bundle of joy”? Right?
Actually. . . . no, we are not. I know it's jealousy or envy  or something like that but there it is. We are not ALWAYS overjoyed for the pregnant masses who seem to take for granted their good fortune. Sometimes, we are downright angry about what they can do so easily and is a complete impossibility for us. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve actually compared myself to some of them (I’m smarter, I’m healthier, I’m more financially stable, etc.) trying to figure out why it is that I get to be the one in the “1 in every 6 women” who suffers with infertility. They whine about their swollen feet, how uncomfortable they are, how they have to pee every three seconds and tons of other things not even realizing that so many of us would give anything to go through all those "miseries".
Not this time though. Chemene called me and I could hear something in her voice that sounded like bad news was coming. I thought somebody had died! I thought somehow I had fallen short and there had been a vote and I was being kicked out of the group. I was driving and had to pull over because I was so nervous about what she was about to say, I couldn’t be kicked out could I, I mean, I need these people! They’re the only ones I know who understand how I feel and how I think!  I don't remember the exact words but I do remember she was kind of dancing around the news before she told me that she was pregnant. I think I was the newest member of the group at that point and completely understand the hesitation. We had only known each other a couple of months (meaning we had seen each other 2 or 3 times) and she had no idea how I would take it. There was not a single moment of envy or jealousy. So strange that I could be completely happy for a person I barely knew and for people I am close to I had twinges of jealousy. I was actually happy for her and had all those thoughts I previously thought I was incapable of, will it be a boy or a girl, will I be invited to the baby shower, what can I buy or make for the baby, etc.? We talked several times over the course of her pregnancy, and she told me of her fears, how uncomfortable she felt and how bored she was. Knowing past experiences, that should have sent me into depression and anger etc. etc. but instead I wanted to help and entertain her.  I didn’t count the minutes to when I could get away, I tried to think of things I could do to be there for her.
I've thought about that time a lot and came to the conclusion that I could be happy for Chemene because I know that she will never take for granted what a gift her children are, and that she truly understands the struggle that we all have gone and are going through.  

Written By Bonnie 
Group Member
Retail Store Owner

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