So sticking with this theme, I'm on my journey, not exactly sure how to get there but sure of the goal. I've made it to the amusement park but I'm still not sure about the roller coaster. Is it too high? Are the drops too sudden? I can't go upside down without closing my eyes! What if I get half way through and can't go on? My husband gets migraines on roller coasters!I've heard of the process of trying to create a family referred to as a journey and for a while I just didn't understand and then it hit me, when something is considered easy it's a walk in the park or a picnic. A vacation or a trip hints at relaxed and easy while the word journey conjures images of danger and difficulty so, yeah, I guess journey fits. I've also heard that the adoption process is a roller coaster and that one was much easier for me grasp . . . the highs and lows, the twists and turns . . . it all makes sense.
Maybe I'll try one of the smaller rides first.
Somehow, I stumbled into the Haunted Mansion recently. I have no idea exactly how I got there but I was stuck there for a whole week and let me tell you I was NOT having fun! It's easily the darkest place I've ever been and feels like there is no exit. Things that would normally make me angry made me sad, things that would normally make me sad. . . I don't even have words for how they made me feel. Things that would normally make me smile where completely wasted that week. It was all I could do to get out of bed to go to work and on the weekend I didn't even fight it, I never got out of bed. I reached out to some friends and even some professionals but in the end I had to find my own way out. That's the longest I ever got stuck in the haunted mansion and no matter how many times I find myself there I have yet to figure out what it was that I did to get out. Even as I'm writing this, I can feel it pulling me back there.Wait a minute!!!!
Needed a cuteness break!
While all this was going on there was another post on this blog about difficulty bonding with an adopted child. I had my husband read it because, well, it was written by a man and I thought he could relate better with that one than any other. That's when he confided that that is one of his big fears too. At first I couldn't understand how he could possibly worry about that. He is crazy about several of our students and mourns the loss whenever they stop coming to us for lessons, and when an employee leaves, it's like loosing a family member. He still feels bad about scrapping and old car of his years ago as if it feels abandoned! He refused to get a dog for many years after his favorite passed away because no dog could ever be as good and he couldn't see himself loving another the same way. Knowing this, I thought, how could he possibly have a problem bonding with and loving a baby? Then it kind of smacked me in the head, what if babies are his cryptonite? What if he can't bond with someone he can't really have a conversation with? Hmmm, something else to think about!
IVF with a donor egg is a ride we could try. He seems to be ok with that but I, for some unexplained reason, feel odd about using an egg that isn't mine.
Embryo adoption is another ride we could try and we'll have to talk about that one a little more.
There's also adoption from foster care . . . probably my favorite option and probably his least favorite. I know I'd miss the "baby experience" but foster kids have a more urgent need. There will always be more people looking to adopt babies than there will be babies to adopt but very few people want to take on a child beyond the toddler years.
It makes me very sad to still be on this journey and to know that I may never get the family I dream about but I can't take the next step until we are both sure and on the same page. I don't remember the exact words but my father used to tell me but they were something to the effect of he and my mother needed to be strong in their relationship for the rest of the family unit to work. So until we are sure of the right course for us . . .
Written by Bonnie
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