The wait. What can you say... It's the wait. Everyone dreads it. There's nothing to do. No more paperwork. No more classes. When will the first call come?
First month goes by - no big deal. Life goes on. I can do this.
month - that little devil starts whispering in my ear - little doubts
at first - but no - it's only month 2. Shut up Skippy (my little devil's
Third month - Skippy starts
doing this little dance. What can I do to ignore him? Keep busy. Tons of
stuff to do: Read blogs, Plan events, Kick Skippy in the shins!
month starts and Skippy is doing jumping jacks to get my attention most
days. What's wrong with our grid? Nothing! What's wrong with our
profile? Nothing! What's wrong with our agency? Nothing! This takes
time. Breathe. Meditate. Relax. (Gee, does this sound similar to my
mantra during fertility treatments?) Does anybody know how to hogtie an
Then the first call
comes! Keep calm! You are an intelligent woman. Ask intelligent
questions. (I actually had created a form to complete for an opportunity
call. Of course, my office was packed up and I didn't have it handy
for the call!) Don't over react. Don't get too excited. Don't start
daydreaming yet. This is just the first call. A flurry of phone calls
ensues - first to my husband, next to the lawyer, next to our friend the
neonatal nurse. Repeat all the details what seems like 100 times. (It
seemed like SO many details when I was scribbling them down, but
really, so little information to make this decision.) Ask each: Do we
want to be shown? We say "Yes - we want to be shown."
another wait and it's different - short and INTENSE. Wait a week to
see if she says yes to us - to see if this baby was meant for us or
another family. A week? A WEEK!?!?! Try to convince myself that this
will be easier and shorter than the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW) after an
IVF. Yeah, right - cause you handled those so well.
is screaming in my ear - all the negative things you could POSSIBLY
come up with. All the derogatory self-doubt comes to light. Who would
pick us? We're normal everyday people. We both work - who wants to
give a baby to a working mom? I'm 42 - who wants to give a baby to an
"old lady". I feel like the kid who never gets picked for a team in
school - and she hasn't even said no yet! WHY DID WE START THIS?
the opposite worries kick in. She's due in 5 weeks. What if she says
yes? I can't be ready in 5 weeks! Millions of things to buy, room to
get ready, prepare for a maternity leave in 5 weeks - you're kidding
right? We have stuff planned for the summer - mini-trips, weddings,
events - do we cancel? No - she hasn't said yes yet. Life-Decisions
are on hold for a week.
Ok - found a way to distract myself - I'm picturing all the ways I can maim an imaginary friend.
week goes by in similar stages to the entire wait - first calm down
from the excitement the day, next day is a little stressed - but
manageable, more stressed the following day and so on building towards
the 1 week mark. Again, trying to keep myself busy and distracted is
the challenge. I create a "Yes list." This is the list that must be
acted upon if and only if we get a yes. Allow myself to look at it once
a day. Add to it if something pops into my head. At least creating
the list feels productive, but the list is the BIG bullets - devil will
of course be in the details. Timing happens to be that I started a new
workout regimen the day I got the call. So at least I'm not tossing and
turning at night - too tired and sore.
the week goes by Skippy has found a new talent. Out of the blue he
pushes this button and I start shaking with anxiety - stomach fills with
acid - I struggle not to tear up and my mind start racing. "Will she
JUST MAKE UP HER MIND! Why don't they call me? It's a no, that's why
they haven't called... or maybe she can't decide... maybe we're still in
the running... maybe, maybe, maybe..." Then I wonder about her. If
I'm this tied up inside - what is she going through. How can she make
up her mind with so little information - how do ANY of them ever make
Alright - make it to
the 1 week point... No call. Of course... Call and track down my
"family advocate" at the agency: We don't have a decision from her yet.
She's supposed to meet with her social worker soon. Deep breathe.
It's not a no. Not a yes yet either. And it's a Friday.
She doubts we'll have an answer today. Give it a few more days. The
feel of my destiny being completely out of my control threatens to
overwhelm me. Visions of getting sucked down into a whirlpool hit. I
so want to shout and cry and be the 'needy' client.
now I have to make it through another weekend with Skippy up my rear?
It's actually not really bad timing. Family event for most of Saturday - ok - busy that day. Have a once every six months work project that HAS to be done Sunday - about 10 hours in front of the computer - ok - busy that day. Buckle down.
could go on and about the ups and downs. It turned out to be just shy
of 3 weeks for her to make the decision (So WORSE than the TWW!!!). By
the end of the second week, I got Skippy under control. Gagged,
Handcuffed, Hogtied, Thrown in a Closet to wither and die. A few days
prior to the "official" word, we were told that she's leaning towards a
different couple. So by the time the "No" call came, we had pretty much
moved on. All things considered, from what I've heard and read, I
think I handled this well, but I'm sure Skippy will escape the next time
the phone rings.
Written By Andrea
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