Monday, August 10, 2015

Getting Through The First Profile Opportunity...

The wait. What can you say... It's the wait.  Everyone dreads it. There's nothing to do. No more paperwork. No more classes. When will the first call come?

First month goes by - no big deal.  Life goes on.  I can do this.

Second month - that little devil starts whispering in my ear - little doubts at first - but no - it's only month 2. Shut up Skippy (my little devil's name).

Third month - Skippy starts doing this little dance. What can I do to ignore him? Keep busy. Tons of stuff to do: Read blogs, Plan events, Kick Skippy in the shins!

Fourth month starts and Skippy is doing jumping jacks to get my attention most days. What's wrong with our grid? Nothing!  What's wrong with our profile? Nothing!  What's wrong with our agency? Nothing!  This takes time. Breathe. Meditate. Relax. (Gee, does this sound similar to my mantra during fertility treatments?)  Does anybody know how to hogtie an imaginary friend?

Then the first call comes!  Keep calm!  You are an intelligent woman. Ask intelligent questions. (I actually had created a form to complete for an opportunity call.  Of course, my office was packed up and I didn't have it handy for the call!)  Don't over react. Don't get too excited.  Don't start daydreaming yet.  This is just the first call.  A flurry of phone calls ensues - first to my husband, next to the lawyer, next to our friend the neonatal nurse.  Repeat all the details what seems like 100 times.  (It seemed like SO many details when I was scribbling them down, but really, so little information to make this decision.)  Ask each: Do we want to be shown?  We say "Yes - we want to be shown."

Now another wait and it's different - short and INTENSE.  Wait a week to see if she says yes to us - to see if this baby was meant for us or another family.  A week?  A WEEK!?!?!  Try to convince myself that this will be easier and shorter than the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW) after an IVF.  Yeah, right - cause you handled those so well.

Skippy is screaming in my ear - all the negative things you could POSSIBLY come up with.  All the derogatory self-doubt comes to light.  Who would pick us?  We're normal everyday people.  We both work - who wants to give a baby to a working mom?  I'm 42 - who wants to give a baby to an "old lady".  I feel like the kid who never gets picked for a team in school - and she hasn't even said no yet!  WHY DID WE START THIS?

Then the opposite worries kick in.  She's due in 5 weeks.  What if she says yes?  I can't be ready in 5 weeks!  Millions of things to buy, room to get ready, prepare for a maternity leave in 5 weeks - you're kidding right?  We have stuff planned for the summer - mini-trips, weddings, events - do we cancel?  No - she hasn't said yes yet.  Life-Decisions are on hold for a week.

Ok - found a way to distract myself - I'm picturing all the ways I can maim an imaginary friend.

The week goes by in similar stages to the entire wait - first calm down from the excitement the day, next day is a little stressed - but manageable, more stressed the following day and so on building towards the 1 week mark.  Again, trying to keep myself busy and distracted is the challenge.  I create a "Yes list."  This is the list that must be acted upon if and only if we get a yes.  Allow myself to look at it once a day.  Add to it if something pops into my head.  At least creating the list feels productive, but the list is the BIG bullets - devil will of course be in the details.  Timing happens to be that I started a new workout regimen the day I got the call.  So at least I'm not tossing and turning at night - too tired and sore.

As the week goes by Skippy has found a new talent.  Out of the blue he pushes this button and I start shaking with anxiety - stomach fills with acid - I struggle not to tear up and my mind start racing.  "Will she JUST MAKE UP HER MIND!  Why don't they call me?  It's a no, that's why they haven't called... or maybe she can't decide... maybe we're still in the running... maybe, maybe, maybe..."  Then I wonder about her.  If I'm this tied up inside - what is she going through.  How can she make up her mind with so little information - how do ANY of them ever make this decision?   

Alright - make it to the 1 week point...  No call.  Of course...  Call and track down my "family advocate" at the agency: We don't have a decision from her yet.  She's supposed to meet with her social worker soon.  Deep breathe.  It's not a no.  Not a yes yet either.  And it's a Friday.  She doubts we'll have an answer today.  Give it a few more days.  The feel of my destiny being completely out of my control threatens to overwhelm me.  Visions of getting sucked down into a whirlpool hit.  I so want to shout and cry and be the 'needy' client.   

So now I have to make it through another weekend with Skippy up my rear?  It's actually not really bad timing.  Family event for most of Saturday - ok - busy that day.  Have a once every six months work project that HAS to be done Sunday - about 10 hours in front of the computer - ok - busy that day.  Buckle down.

I could go on and about the ups and downs.  It turned out to be just shy of 3 weeks for her to make the decision (So WORSE than the TWW!!!).  By the end of the second week, I got Skippy under control.  Gagged, Handcuffed, Hogtied, Thrown in a Closet to wither and die.  A few days prior to the "official" word, we were told that she's leaning towards a different couple.  So by the time the "No" call came, we had pretty much moved on.  All things considered, from what I've heard and read, I think I handled this well, but I'm sure Skippy will escape the next time the phone rings.

Written By Andrea
Future Mom
Group Member

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