After a year and half of waiting doing private
adoption, I had had enough with scammer after scammer and needed to
change gears. These were scammers that weren't pregnant women, not even
people out for just money. I remember a guy from upstate NY that would
call every day and ask me hundreds of questions!! This went on for
months and in the end he was just a single guy that was lonely and just
wanted to talk! And let's not forget Tamma Taylor from Chicago! The 39
year old alcoholic that pretended to be a 19 year old basketball player
from the University of Chicago.
Anyway ... I was disheartened by
this process and my attitude was poor to say the least. Our last hope
was to try the agency route. On September 10, 2009 we were officially
"on the list". So for the first time in years I "put my feet up" and
waited my turn!
I knew this process would
probably take about 2 years and that set my mind at ease. Not sure why
but it did. I knew the phone wasn't going ring anymore with scammers
keeping me up all night and I guess that's why I felt different. At 7:45am on November 3rd
the phone rang! I looked at the caller ID and it said catholic
something. At first I thought prank call or old scammer and then I
thought crap my check bounced at the agency so I'll call them back!! LOL
I laid my head back down and then I slowly began to realize what might
be happening. I called back immediately and I spoke to my social worker
who then told me that they would like to show our profile along with 2
other families. It seems we met the requirements that the expectant
mother, J, was asking for!
To this day I am so sorry I never asked
what requirements we met. It would have been so nice to know what she
connected with! I jumped at the chance and said absolutely!! And that
was it! Now we wait... As Andrea wrote in her blog about getting over
the first profile showing - she had to wait 3 weeks. I only had to wait
2 days. What a torturing 48 hours. Will she like us? Do we look like
we are fun? Look like we are healthy? Look like we could parent? Ohhh
the thoughts that go through your head.
In the afternoon of November 5th
the phone rang!! I took a deep breath realizing it may not be "the"
call; they could be just needing some more info. But I was wrong it was
the moment! The social worker said "I have wonderful news, you were
chosen!" The call lasted a couple of minutes but in my excited shaking
fog i heard her say that the expectant mother would like to meet us!
WHAT? Meet? Ahhhhhhhh
The meeting was scheduled for November 18th!!
I can't tell you how absolutely terrified I was. And as I tell my story
6 years later, I realize how selfish I was worrying about my wardrobe
choice and not thinking of what she was going through. But as I always
say this process isn't easy and you have to learn as you go.
woke the morning of the 18th wondering what we would talk about. What
would she look like? How tall was she? What does she like to do? And
I'm sorry to say I really wanted to find out more about the birth
father. But I knew it was her story to tell and if she didn't want to
share it then I would be ok with that choice.
We arrived in the city at 1:30pm
and we didn't want to go in empty handed so we went across the street
and bought the expectant mother flowers. Not sure if this was good or
bad; all we wanted was for her to know we respected what she was
considering and that was all. At 2pm
we arrived and were escorted to a conference room - we were first to
arrive. You could hear a pin drop in this room! Strange since we were
in the city and you can always hear some kind of car or siren! I think
God wanted me to think more and he knows I need quiet.
the door opened and I knew this was it! I couldn't be shy like my
husband; I couldn't clam up; I couldn't waste this moment! Something
deep down told me that this was the only chance I would have to know
her. She never mentioned an open relationship and never talked about
pictures each year. I wanted to respect her wishes and at the time had
no idea what it meant to have an open adoption. I was still new at all
A young woman about my height came in first and then I
saw I could only assume her mom and dad followed. They looked so like
my own family. I could tell by the look of her mom that she was either
British or Irish! I was right! I was so excited but the nerves were
getting to me. We all sat down with two social workers present. How
uncomfortable but understandable. It went quiet immediately and that's
when I thought - do it!! So I started the conversation and it came
natural. They were an amazing family and they started to warm up to us a
well. We had a great time and after about an hour and a half we were
told by one social worker that was all the time we had.
How do I
say good bye? This was it? No more? Can't we do dinner or something? I
began to tear up a bit but I tried to hold it in until I looked at her
mom. She was tearing up too. I went to J and said good bye and reached
in hoping for a hug. She reached in too and I didn't want to let go. I
held on like maybe she wouldn't leave. But the family left and that was
it. No more info. No more contact. No more time spent.
home and wrote as much as I could down about the hour and a half we
had. I'm sure there is a frightening sense of walking into a room and
having to make a decision for a child's future this way. Wish it could
have all been different but this is how it happened and I am so grateful
for the time we had.
For the last few years I
have sent J pictures of my boy and a long letter telling her what he has
been up to. Each year the amount of pictures increased and the letter
got so long it's like I'm writing a book. He is an amazing boy and I
want her to know all about him and how much he means to us. But after
5.5 years I wanted to try and see if we could make a change. I reached
out to the agency to see if she wanted to try and make a step towards
open adoption. After waiting two month for a response, the agency
informed me she wasn't interested.
I'll be honest I thought it
was a long shot but I didn't realize how much it would hurt. I ran to my
group immediately and cried. I cried a lot. But as a support group of
friends always do - they make u feel better. She may not be ready now
but one day she might. It is her journey - it is my sons journey and
what ever they need I will support. If my son comes to me one day and
says "mom I want to meet J"... Well that's actually my next blog!!
Written By Chemene
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