So I was in the middle of a “craptastic” week that had nothing to do with our adoption journey. (I need that word added to Webster’s…) Sudden death of a close friend, work stress, family stress, issues with my car all contributing to a bad mental state. Then out of the blue we get an email from our agency – a stork drop opportunity. (Stork drop definition: opportunity where a baby was just born and the mother decides on an adoption plan at the hospital.)
First excitement - nothing else going on matters. This is our most important goal; everything else can take second place for now.
Ok, read the email. Read it again. Read it a 3rdtime. This is not the “perfect situation” - far from it. Actually this situation really shouldn’t have been presented to us based on our grid. Deep breathe. I later found out this was a blast email because the situation didn’t exactly fit anyone’s grid.
Call the agency to get further details. Definitely leaning towards the “no, this is not our baby” side. Mike (DH) and I discuss. He is quickly able to see through all the emotions and points to a few lines on our grid. “We decided on this months ago - this baby is not for us” he says. Just to be sure, and since the agency offered, I get the medical records emailed. It reinforces the decision that “this is not our baby.” Politely email the agency back and pass – sending our prayers that the baby finds the right family.
Now comes the guilt, the worry, the second guessing, and the “What ifs.” What if the agency holds it against us that we passed on this opportunity? What if this was supposed to be our baby? What if this was fate talking after the death of our friend? How to I justify turning my back on a baby… any baby? I’m a bad person! Horrible! I talk this through with friends – friends who are both inside and outside the adoption world. Nobody thinks any worse of me. They all agree that we made the right choice. This is all in my head.
Lesson learned – researching and creating your grid in the cool, unemotional planning stages is important. Sticking to your grid under the pressure of the moment is very hard.
Written by Andrea
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